


if this is heaven

by myshelovka



Category: Einstürzende Neubauten, The Birthday Party (Band)
Genre: Arson, Break Up, Canon-Typical Violence, Cheating, Cock & Ball Torture, Cock Slut, Cock Worship, Curses, Depression, First Dates, First Kiss, Goths, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Large Cock, M/M, Magic Cock, Mental Breakdown, Murder, Public Sex, Rage, S&M, Suicide, Theft, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaping, Vaseline, destruction of property
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23276941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myshelovka/pseuds/myshelovka
Summary: my take on the famous award winning gourmet novella “mutiny in heaven” by jennieblackheart iwrote this for my mommy jennieblackheart who left ao3 and won’t answer my dms please mommy come back come back i love you i love you i love you i love you i l
Relationships: Blixa Bargeld/Nick Cave, Blixa Bargeld/Rowland S. Howard, Nick Cave/Rowland S. Howard
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	if this is heaven

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jennieblackheart](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=jennieblackheart).
  * Inspired by [Mutiny in Heaven](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11620728) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> i wrote this in like july ‘19 and i wasn’t sure if i should post it on here for the longest time bc it didnt and still doesn’t reflect my usual style and is more vulgar but after considering that i have written worse things in that blixa x reader i have decided to make it public

Rowland was lounging alone, fully clothed, in a tin tub full of vodka in the middle of Nick’s living room. He had just taken 31 valiums. Nick’s home was partially on fire because he forgot about his special pot of grease. He was very angry, so he didn’t care and was instead going between reading his handwritten Lee Hazlewood x Nancy Sinatra crying into a loaf of challah that had a large moist hole in it from where Nick had used it to satisfy his impure impulses. Splashing around in the tub with his rubber duckies and naked legless barbie dolls no longer comforted him, although they still floated around in the bath with him. He grabbed his comfort vodka bottle and started pouring it on his face and into his open mouth, only to choke and sputter because he poured his discomfort swamp water bottle down his throat.

He heard a scratching noise and looked up and scanned the room around him, his eyes fixating on the doggy door on the main door into the apartment. Nick didn’t have a pet, and this little door for little creatures wasn’t here when he last came here - and the most worrying part was that it the flap was lifting up and something was crawling into the house. Rowland sat up with an violent abruptness that splashed the swamp water infused vodka onto the floor surrounding the tub, and it soaked into the fine Persian rug that wasn’t from Persia. This something on all fours was a clearly a humanoid, and when it’s mediocre blue eyes met Rowland’s his heart stopped with disgust. It was Blixa Bargeld, the one he worried his sexy boyfriend Nick Cave was going to unsexily replace him with, not to mention an idiot who couldn’t (in Rowland’s opinion) strum a string proper if it was to save his worthless life.

“Halo gorgest,” he greeted, Rowland felt a twinge of surprise at hearing him speak English for once /and/ Blixa’s accent wasn’t as heavy as he imagined because *it wasn’t even there*, “do you know where Nick is?”  
“I haven’t seen Nick in two days, actually,” Rowland got out of the tub at a reluctant pace and approached Blixa even more reluctantly. He could see how his once anticipated expression fell into the depths of profound disappointment - but Rowland could almost physically feel Blixa’s brain as it thought of what he could do next.  
“May I come in?”  
Rowland just stood there and stared. The audacity. The fucking audacity. After a few short moments Blixa crawled in anyways.  
“I didn’t even answer.”  
Blixa shrugged beneath him.  
“It’s not your apartment. It’s my boyfriend’s-“  
“Your boyfriend?” Rowland wasn’t sure if his blood went cold or if his blood was boiling.  
Blixa gave him an almost freaked out look, “Yeah?” and Rowland forced himself to turn away and he took a step away, but his foot hit the floor harder than he had intended and the loudness betrayed him. He could feel the German watching him, his blue stare burning into his shoulder blades and through his soul.

“You...you fucking,” he gritted his teeth that he had not brushed in 13 years, he couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence.  
Rowland ran directly into a wall screaming, and fell onto his back shrieking inarticulately.  
“I fucking hate Nick Cave!” he bellowed as he rose again, only to slam his head into the wall again, and then he got up and ran into the kitchen, tore off his shirt, stood on the counter, and smeared peanut butter on his chest.  
Blixa’s shirt dissolved spontaneously in fright and he literally shook in his boots.  
“I’M GONNA FUCK JON SPENCER! I’M GONNA FUCK JON SPENCER!” Rowland howled as he banged his head repeatedly into the counter despite Blixa’s stares.  
“Are you...okay?”  
“No.” SHRIEKED Rowland and he immediately flung the painting above him directly into the kitchen fire (the eternal flame of Nick’s hearth is what warms the heart of those who live in Nick’s apartment).  
And then he threw the tub into the fire. And then he threw the fire into the fire. And then he threw Blixa in the fire. And then he was the fire. Blixa ran screaming directly into Nick’s collection of German gothic paintings (the ones you’d take in a divorce) and set them on fire with his own body. Rowland got back on the kitchen counter pulling things out of the cabinets and dumping them on the floor and then once he emptied out the contents of every container (maple syrup, flour, pickles, you name it) he got down and started -rowland- rolling around in that stuff. While he was still engulfed in flames. Blixa teleported next to him and stood there and Rowland got on his knees, pointed a shaky finger at Blixa, and snarled “I’m gonna pull the plug on your mom, bitch,”.  
“Already pulled it,” Blixa replied as he got down on Rowland’s level and produced a knife from his pocket. Rowland leaned in and kissed him. Blixa inward shrieked, although not in displeasure, and single cucaracha crawled from behind the German’s teeth and down the Australian’s throat. The knife flattered to the floor. The sensation of parasites and diseases and poisons pouring into his mouth was absolutely IRRESISTIBLE to Rowland so he dug each of his sticky hands into Blixa’s patchy scalp and attempted to swallow him whole and Screeeee and the tires sCReeSCREEEE Nick’s car SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE and he screeeeeE and Nick’s car screee into the living room and it bashed and smashed and crashed and lashed and dashed and cashed and through the wall. and then it jumped up and down.

Nick screamed upon seeing the two. seemingly oblivious to the destruction of his only home from within his car.  
“What the fucking fuck is fucking wrong with you fucking fuckers!” his vulgar string of words were more cathartic than questioning.  
“I want your blood,” said Rowland as he pulled away from Blixa and scredragged himself across the floor towards Nick’s screeeeee car.  
“Nick, is there something you aren’t telling us?!” Blixa stomped towards Nick in his squeaky boots that went squeak squeak SQUEAK and Nick got out of the car and accidentally poked a hole into Rowland’s cheek with his really pointy clown shoes.  
“No.” Nick stretched his limbs, as he always did.  
“THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER BOYFRIEND?!” Rowland chomped at Nick’s ankle but he stepped back, so he simply dropped his head cheek-first to the floor and screamed in agony.  
“Look, I was really nervous to come out to y’all-“  
“You’re not Southern.” said Blixa and Nick burst into tears.  
“I’m polyamorous, okay! I was a closeted poly!”  
“Polly Glamorous? Isn’t that a kind of toy?” Blixa tilted his head and remained composed amid Rowland’s screams.  
“That’s Polly Pocket!” Nick sobbed as he whined out the final syllable on “pocket”. The man on the floor frothed at the mouth and attempted to bite Nick’s ankles again but he kept stepping back.  
“Why can’t I just date more than one person?! Why must you confine me to monogamy, which is oppressive and heteronormative?!” he punched the wall.  
“I don’t understand half of what you just said but we don’t agree with it!” Blixa lightly punched Nick who cried harder into the wall. Rowland convulsed on the ground.  
“Why won’t you accept me, guys?!” Nick screamed and then swung his car door open and shut out of stress. Blixa sat down and really thought about it. He stroked Rowland’s head like one might stroke a cat and remained pensive. He reflected, ruminated, cogitated, brooded, cerebrated, pondered, and thought about the situation at hand. Rowland was in his lap. Nick was sobbing directly into the engine of his tiger-striped Screee car.  
“We can all be in one relationship, if that makes you happy,” Blixa started and Rowland froze and Nick made some kind of weird strangulated but obviously excited “eeee” noise, “But. We are going to cut you out of it. Because that is what will make us happy.” 

Nick froze and the pair-in-the-chair smiled deviously and they made eye contact and seemingly understood, seemingly got each other, and then they lunged at Nick in unison and beat him together and in the throes of their passion they accidentally beat each other, too. Rowland’s senses had not been lost to violence, and when Blixa mistook his hand for Nick’s and repetitively nipped at his fingertips he felt his chest and throat and peniLOVE swell with his LOVE feelings of profound feelings of love*lOVE* *lO/VE/* _love_ rowland LOVE blix a llove a/L/ove L/OV/E /L/V*O*E and he was LOVE -/LVOE/- LOVE L/O/V*E* LOVE and he felt  
LOVELOVELOVE L  
and  
* LOVELOVELOVEL O  
he  
1\. LOVELOVELOVELO V  
felt  
> LOVELOVELOVELOV E  
L-O-V-E  
“GET OUT OF HERE YOU DEMONIC WHORES! YOU WERE BOTH UGLY AND FAT ANYWAYS!” scREEEamed Nick as he physically threw them out of the apartment, and then he threw the apartment at another apartment, and then it reflected off the apartment and hit the Berlin Wall, and then it ricocheted off the Berlin Wall and slammed into the moon and then into Venus (planetofLOVE) and then into the sun.

Rowland hit the asphalt and he was burning inside and out. He couldn’t get up from the ground and he was shaking as Blixa stood above him. Rowland lifted his head, looked him in the eyes and gazed directly into his cocaine soul like a spider in a glass jar might gaze at the sun, so he squinted a bit, and then he lay his head on Blixa’s boots. They were standing in the middle of a crowded street and everyone - families, wild crackheads, and very wild deer alike - were staring at them, if they were not staring at where Nick’s apartment used to be. Rowland didn’t care. He had no shame, no common sense, no decency now in the face of this, and he slobbered on Blixa’s boots that tasted of tires, tar, dirt, lung-tar, black tar heroin, and Nick’s mouth for mysterious-yet-obvious reasons. Children were crying.  
“Hey,” Blixa’s voice was soft and somehow, for some godforsaken reason, extremely seductive to Rowland, and he looked back up at him,  
“Slobber on this.” he dropped his rubber pants and the cries of the pedestrians grew louder.  
Rowland had no shame, no common sense, no decency, and neither did Blixa.

END PART 1

COMMENCE PART 2

Rowland’s mouth still felt strange. It was stinging, tingling, crawling, crackling slightly, and it still tasted of Blixa. Of Blixa’s infected mouth, with its bitter tang and vague flavor of vodka and...Jolly Ranchers? There was also the quite umami flavor of potential Bargeld children who - despite swimming as well as their father - met their unfortunate ends in his digestive system.  
They walked into a random bar, together and lovingly, because they were gay. The wind from the dead winter and the permanently broken windows had left the interior as frigid, if not more, than it was outside.  
It was dim and full of fog, with the only lights being a few red candles and a really big mysterious stone altar in the back. Someone was very loudly and spookily playing a pipe organ, and Rowland could make out a few of the patrons, all of whom appeared to have corpse complexions and were wearing really big capes. He heard squeaking coming from behind him and he instinctively turned around and saw a few bats fly in, and Blixa squeaked along with them but they seemed to give him dirty looks as they suddenly transformed into people and went to their tables.  
“Fucking goths,” Rowland groaned under his breath as at least 20 glowing red eyes peered at him and his partner. Blixa and Rowland went up to the bar and someone who, in Rowland’s personal opinion, was a dead-ringer for the Count himself was tending it. Because of Rowland’s luck, the man didn’t speak English, or Russian, or Yiddish - but also because of his luck, he had Blixa with him to act as something of an interpreter. Not really. Blixa was ordering for both of them and he didn’t quite mind that.  
After a few moments Blixa slammed a 5 billions deutsch hryvnia on the counter.  
“We’re getting 2,000 screwdrivers but they’re all made with blood orange juice instead of orange juice, I don’t know why that is but I accept it,” and they made out in front of everyone and Blixa cock-and-ball-tortured Rowland with his long German fingers, which he thought was very yaoi of him.  
“Daddy.” says Bilxa  
“Yeah?” rowland  
“SAY IT BACK, BITCH” Blixa pulls out a glock.  
“Daddy?” Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, so Blixa said “Daddy”, so Rowland said it back, and Blixa’s bratwurst was so goddamn hard he emptied his glock into the barman and aggressively danced Rowland into the bathroom and they kissed the WHOLE time as Blixa directed them dominatentilty into the NASTIEST stall in the bathroom. it was covered in blood and was filled with spiders and stuff.p and then they got naked

(A/N: This chapter is one of the most graphically detailed things I have ever written, it is a LEMON, and if you DO NOT LIKE these sorts of things, then LOOK AWAY. AVERT YOUR EYES. And if you do not know what a lemon is, it is a scene in a story of SEXUAL NATURE. This is NOT the sort of thing to be taken lightly. You may have noticed this is the only story I leave authors notes on, that is because it was the only one that got 50 flames when it was up here last! And for those of you who said you did not like the movie ‘The Human Centipede’ why on earth are you reading a fanfiction of it? And then to leave FLAMES of a SLANDEROUS and LIBELOUS nature? I simply do not understand the motives and reasons behind such a thing! Also, I feel I should warn you there will be more scenes like this in the future, this is only a warm-up and is not even real sex. The real thing will happen later. Ok? Ok, now, read on:!)

he thrust his he thrust cry his and he tongue as blixa thrust and as he HEAVEN as cry he as he entrance into his shaft thrust scream cry IS slam grunt blood enters moan shrieking slipping spilling HIS seed spill seed drip seed  
he drips cry out hand in mouth HANDS love head in toilet thrust cry slam scream bleed we love HEAVEN grip groan shaft entrance pleasures cry love IS everlasting bathroom stall the love violation in cry HIS telephone fling dot com premium account and he HANDS slid and slides and slams and thrusts and cries organs swell HEAVEN organs of his body and the other man in his hand IS and soars back to mars back to dad back to HIS judgement back to rowland to HANDS brick cellophane television in his mind in the piss in his mouth in his HEAVEN IS HIS HANDS is his body his d

(A/N:i think i might have a knack for this kind of thing!!!! xD)

They clean up and leave the stall, satisfied.  
Rowland made a strange lip smacking sound.  
“I wrote a song,” he gargles in misery.  
Blixa literally screams and storms to the back of th bar. He pulls out a gun.  
“EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” politely requested Blixa as he stood on the mysterious stone altar at the back of the bar. The bar went silent.  
“Thank you,” Blixa threw a molotov cocktail at the audience.  
“Rowland has a song.” He stepped off and Rowland clipped through the altar with a guitar and an amp he built with his mind.  
HE STARTED with a simple 3chordz that went like Em- Æ - Zm and then he belted out the words like his life depended on it (it didnt)  
“GOT DEATH ON MY BREATH, OXICLEAN ON MY DICK” he howled, “Jeff.” he strumma thenguitar and throw it away and attempt to copulate with the amp to showcase his virility. Everyone in the bar starts crying and rioting and shooting themselves. Blixa drags Rowland off the amp and he and Rowland nakedly leave th bar while delicately snorting crack off each other.

END PART 2

COMMENCE PART 3

Rowland ripped the door to Nick’s home off it’s hinges and threw it directly into the Reichstag. fuck you fuck you fck you fuck you fuck you fuck yoand rRowlaland walked in with Blixa strapped to his belt.elt  
NICK CAVE was wailing into a bottle of chocolate milk and a tub of caviar which he appeared to have been eating like ice cream. They were both trying to sneak by him but Blixa kept screaming in ecstasy, merriment, and joy because Rowland had taped tasers to his nipples that tased him every time Rowland took a step. Rowland wasn’t being particularly stealthy either as he was moaning loudly due to Blixa thrusting his fingers into his tight, slick, sensitive nostrils.  
“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!” screamed Nick into his chocolate milch.  
“You never-” breathe hitched “specified that - anh! - we didn’t h-have to come back-” Rowland throws blixa off his belt and into a couch because his nasal fingering is interrupting his speech and then he calls him a bitch.  
“MAY YOUR FUCKING WOMBS BE BARREN YOU ARSEHOLES! MAY YOUR WOMBS BE FUCKING BARREN!” nick screams as he threateningly pulls out a piece of paper with a sigil drawn on it. and then he self-immolates and starts eating the caviar out the container with his bare hands.  
“hmmm...ok”rowland takes blixa into the bedroom and they smash all night. and then they sleep for 30 minutes. and then they get up and roll around in a ball of destructive copulation all around the apartment while Nick cries for his mother as they roll into his furniture and destroy it with the strength of their passione. and then they went back to sleep in rowland’s room. 2 hours and wake up and start profusely vomiting in unison BECAUSE RHEHRE IN LOVE. and Rowlamd was the first to stop vomiting  
“Man, I’m not feelin’ too fresh,” says Rowland as he wipes the bile off his face and as he rips off one of his fingers, and then he reaches for his bedside table and takes out his special container of vaseline. He unscrews the cap and scoops out a glob with two fingers and starts to eat amidst Blixa’s heaving and gagging. Blixa stops vomiting and he tears off his nipple tasers and throws them through the wall. His nipples have been thoroughly roasted by them and smell vaguely of cooked meat.  
“Babe,” Rowland whines, “those cost me twenty centillion yen,”  
“I don’t belief in money.” Blixa circumcises himself. Rowland heaves again and vomits on the bed, but instead of bile it’s one clumpy blood-red mess. Blixa dives straight into it and picks through the pulp-like pile, throwing things like spare change and cigarette butts and live scorpions out of the way and wrapping his hand firmly around a strange stick-shaped object. He examined it lustfully, and then turned to Rowland with a smile.  
“You are pregnant,” he said coldly as he revealed the positive pregnancy test (a/n: omg 😳)/ Rowland honked hornily and beat him with a copy,of,Portmoy Complaint /(a/n: their bdsm dynamic is so cute 😍) so hard that Blixa lactated black milk all over the sheets. and that’s how rowland gotmimsoristiin for the song “black milk”. Blixa was actually crying for once.  
“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m just get a feeling so complicated,” he coughed and hacked up phlegm violently. and then he used the phlegm to write out the words “happiness”on the sheets and Rowland burst into tears and pulled out a vape that had some weird oil in it.  
“Would you like a little CBD oil to soothe your aching testicles?”  
“No.” Blixa took the vape and wrapped his plump green lips around it, sucked on it titilatinglyyiy, then inhaled, and his blue eyes widened. The vape pen dropped from his lips and it flew out the window and exploded. He coughed violently and screamed between coughs as he fell down and made a futile reach for his groin and there were more screams that Rowland wasn’t sure were Blixa’s or his own.  
“OH FUCK! OH FUCK! THAT WASN’T CBD OIL!” Rowland shrieked,  
“THAT WAS CBT OIL! COCK AND BALL TORTURE OIL! BLIXA I AM SO SORRY” he was sobbing into Blixa’s heaving breast’s and leaving wet eye-shaped stains of black on his egg-white skin. Blixa died of cock and ball torture. Rowland cried into his corps for twenty 3 minutes and then he got up and left the room for breakfast. Nick was still crying at the counter in the kitchen, and the counter was the only thing in the apartment outside of Rowland’s room that hadn’t been completely destroyed. Some things were still partially on fire and many things still smoking from when his beloved Blixa had pulled out the blowtorch during their final romp.  
“You again,” hissed Nick as he pulled his head up from the counter, “what have you come to ruin this time?”  
“Blixa’s dead.” Rowland stared through Nick with a hollow expression. Nick did not respond. “I’m pregnant.” Rowland said. Nick screamed and pulled out a spell book.  
“THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! I WAS FUCKING SCAMMED! YOUR WOMB WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GODDAMN FUCKING BARREN!” Nick threw the book down and began kicking it and punching it and kicking it and punching it and kicking it and punching it and kunching it and picking it and he smacked it a bit too and smacked it a bit too and smoked some crack too. He ripped out pages with reckless abandon and shredded them while Rowland looked on with detachment. He turns to Rowland, his yellow teeth bared and gleaming and his darkened eyes filled with ith visceral rage in his darkened eyes.  
“What are you naminging it?” he asks very politely and with great and extreme interest and also an erect ion.  
“Risley,” Rowland chokes out as he is overcome with a sadness most profound and soul-swirling, “Risley B. Howard,”  
“What does the B stand for? Beatrice?”  
Rowland looks him dead in the eyes and chokes back a sob as he wipes snot from his immaculate nose.  
“Blixa. It stands for Blixa.”  
Angry Nick cave starts angrily screaming and angrily throws his angry chair out the angry window because he is angry.  
“THATSE IT!!! IM GOING TO ABORT” he pulls out a coat hanger and charges at a Rowland. Rowland simply moves out the way slightly and Nick runs directly through the wall and through the wall and through the wall and through the wall and he falls down into the street and hits a car so hard he goes through the car and through the ground and through the earth’s core and through the ground again and through the sky and through space and through the galaxy and through the universe and something unknown flicks him back to where he started. He flies back into the apartment and hits the back of the couch so hard he dies. and then he sits up. and stars fly around his head and his eyes are full of loops. and then rowland comes up to him n grabs the coat hanger from him.  
“I will abort you now.”he says sexily through tears andthem Rowland aborts Nick Cave (a/n: don’t ask me how 😳😳🤫) and he dies again but doesn’t sit up.  
“Oh, lvose!” Rowland cries out to the hell and tears his shirt off and also Nick’s. He straddles the corpse fondles it until he finds the buttons and presses them. Two really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really long kotana blades came out of Nick’s nipples.  
“I am so sorry Risley Blixa,” Rowland sobs, “I don’t think I can live without your father,” he bawls, “I just can’t live without,” he cuts himself off to weep, “you, Blixa...I forgot your last name,” he shrieks and continues weeping song. “I miss you too much to go on,”  
Blixa was standing in the doorway and he said “bro i’m right here i’m not dead 💀 i can’t die” but rowland didn’t notice him because rowland is stupid and also if he did it’d ruin the tragedy. so like. Rowland smalled himself onto the nipple blades and literally died.  
“Wig,” said Blixa as he walked over. The bodies had not even cooled down slightly before Blixa crouched down and began feeling around for their pockets. He pulled out their wallets, and then emptied them of cash, and he got up and walked to the window as he sifted through each individual note. With a smile, he calculated as he walked out of the window and into the streets of West Berlin.

Blixa would have enough to get a couple of pizzas for him and the rest of Neubauten.


End file.
